This child comes to you in great pain, having lost family and hope in probably one of the most disruptive and frightening things that could happen to a child. His family, though perhaps dysfunctional in the extreme, has also lost something precious–a child: their stake in the future, their hopes for the continuing of their family. Is it fair that you should be the only part of this equation that is not supposed to experience pain?
Open adoption is often presented to birth parents as a way to lessen the grief of losing a child to adoption. The grief we feel for our children includes not only missing the times we had with them as their mother or father, but mourning for the times we will not have with them as their parents.
What all of our kids have in common - all of the kids available for adoption - is the experience of abandonment. Our kids have been abandoned before having any of that; our kids are often abandoned at an age so young that they don't even have words yet. Adoption ends the experience of being abandoned, but the effects of the abandonment still remain.
Let the child know that it is all right for him to sit on the lap of the adoptive parent and cry when he misses his birth mom, or when he is feeling sad that he can never live at home again, or when he is missing a sibling or missing a foster parent.
Between the ages of eight and 10, children have enough biological facts to understand that their birth parents are real people, out there somewhere, even if they don’t know who they are. stirs emotions, from incredulity to sadness, disappointment, anger, confusion, and guilt. Kids at this stage may not always express their feelings, so parents should watch for fantasies, and help their child work through his story.
Adopted children aren’t crazy or unloving if they feel sad or angry or fearful - let them know that. No one can make these children’s losses smaller by suppressing them - caring adults can, however, help them to make the rest of their lives bigger.
The Seven Core Issues of Adoption and Intergenerational Issues in Adoption developed by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Deborah Silverstein addresses many of the adoptee and the birth parents fears and doubts.
