Importance of Birth Family Connections

If children lose the feeling of connectedness with their families, then they may have lost a big piece of their identity and have difficulty answering the question, “Who am I?” Whether children have a lot, a little contact or no contact with birth families, they have dreams and feelings about their families.

1. The separation process causes children to have many painful feelings: (anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, etc.). Sometimes these feelings are “acted out.” Contact with the birth parents helps children get out some of their feelings, so it should be expected that children will seem more upset before, during or after a visit with their birth parents. “The short-term disadvantage of the child being upset by the visit is outweighed by the long term benefit.”

2. If children are allowed to have contact and express all their upset feelings, then they will be less likely to take out or “displace” these feelings on the foster parents. They will be able to develop a positive relationship with the foster parents. A good attachment to their foster parents will help them with other relationships.

3. Regular contact with birth parents gives the child several important messages:

• the child can see that the parents care enough to visit, and the child can see that all the adults– birth parents, foster parents and social worker — are working together
• children can see for themselves how much progress their parents are making toward getting them home.

Research in the child welfare field consistently indicates that regular visits between children and birth parents is the strongest indicator of family reunification. In some ways, children can sense what this research has demonstrated. If their parents don’t show up for visits, and don’t follow through with plans, it helps the child to be able to see their limitations better.

4. Contact also is helpful for the parents. Just as the child may fantasize about “ideal” parents, the parents may forget how difficult parenting is. Regular contact with their child helps them measure their own ability and interest in parenting and family reunification.

5. Contact between children and birth parents helps foster parents too. It keeps them from becoming overly attached to the child, because they can see that this child and the child’s parents belong together. Foster parents, by getting to know the birth parents, can better understand the child’s behavior.

6. Contact between the birth parents and child also helps the social worker. Because visits are the primary indicator of family reunification, visits are the main tool used by the social worker to assess: (1) how responsible and consistent the parent is; (2) the quality of the relationship between the parent and the child; (3) how much the birth parent is learning from the appropriate parenting skills modeled by the foster parents; and (4) how much progress is being made toward the case plan goal.

7. One of the most important benefits is that regular contact helps all the adults — birth parents, foster parents, and social worker– practice partnership in assuring permanence for children.

Fantasies adults may have about birth families: Children and adults both have fantasies about their families. Children in foster homes usually have fantasies about who their birth parents are and how life would be if they went back to live with them. Foster parents may have fantasies too such as:

• Birth parents will “do all the right things” to get their children back
• Birth parents will be grateful for the care their child receives
• Birth parents will disappear

Why Foster and Adoptive Parents Might Wish Birth Parents Would Disappear:

• It’s difficult to work with birth parents. Because of their losses they may have emotional problems or may be unpredictable, angry, and inconsistent
• Visiting with birth parents or even thinking about them may make children anxious or upset. Foster parents often report that after children visit with their birth parents, behaviors worsen
• Sometimes we may fear that the child will reject us in favor of the birth parent
• The child may play all the parents against each other
• We fear more abuse to the child by the birth parent
• Sometimes our own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy as parents may make us feel anxious about and competitive with the birth parents

Staying connected through visiting: Sometimes it is difficult to support children’s contact with their birth families due to our feelings about adults who hurt children. For all children there is some connection to the people who gave them life, even if it is mostly in their imaginations and fantasies. For children in foster care or who have been adopted these connections may be even stronger. For a child in foster care, it is very important for begin visits as soon as possible. All of us have a responsibility to the child and family to establish visits as soon as possible. If we wait weeks or months:

• Parents may lose hope
• Children may lose hope
• Other activities will fill the lives of both children and their families

The importance of visits for the child:

• Helps the child know that parents are alive
• Helps rebuild important connections
• Helps the child develop identity
• Shows the child birth parents care
• Shows the child siblings are all right
• May dispel the child’s belief that they are bad or at fault for the placement, may help explain why they aren’t living with birth parents
• Helps the child see birth parents more realistically
• Gives the child hope of reunification or helps the child see why reunification is not possible
• Helps adopted children feel loved by people from the past

Potential problems with visiting:

• Children’s behaviors will very likely be difficult to handle after a visit because of memories and emotions that trigger the grieving process
• Children may not want to leave birth parents
• Child may not want to leave siblings at the end of a visit
• Parents may make promise they cannot keep
• Parents may show up for a visit intoxicated or under the influence of drugs
• Birth parents may show up when a visit is not scheduled
• Parents may not show up for a scheduled visit

Working toward understanding and successful visits: Not wanting to end the visit is typical of children who are new to foster care. It is important to remember that the more times children visit their birth families the easier it is emotionally for children. They can expect to see their birth parents again and trust that everyone is working toward re-unification or at least maintain connections. Birth Parents also react emotionally to visiting their child. One of their reactions is not showing up. Parents may miss visits because:

• Hate to say good-bye
• Don’t know how to respond to “When can I come Home?”
• Lack of transportation
• Being uncomfortable with the visiting location
• Unpredictable work schedule
• Afraid foster parents are doing a better job than they did

Preparing children for visits can be hard: Especially when it involves sexual abuse or physical violence issues. But any time children and families are separated and must arrange to meet; the situations have the potential to be awkward and emotionally difficult. Arranged visits are not the way children and their parents usually spend time together, they aren’t in the normal scheme of thing. Planning can turn an awkward event into an experience that is more comfortable and helpful. Foster parents can help by thinking about:

• How can I prepare the child for visits
• How can I prepare other members of my family for visits
• How might I help the child after a visit
• What information do I need from the child welfare worker to help plan the visit
• How through visits/contacts might I work in partnership with birth parents?
• What are the ways I might handle my feeling concerning visits
• What might I do to promote birth parent/child connection between visits
• If birth parents don’t come to a scheduled visit how might I help the child

Source: Adapted from “The Importance of the Natural parents to the Child in Placement” by Ner Littner in Parents of Children in Placement: Perspectives and Programs, Child Welfare League of America, 1981 and MAPPS / GPS Leaders Guide, SUNY Buffalo Center for the Development of Human Services